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but... also precisely and effectively medicated. the last 2 years have been the first in my life (that i can remember) that i've had any kind of cognizance of what "normal" life is like. i'm a highly functional looney bin, and i have been all my life.
i had an epiphany yesterday. i was at my psychiatrist's office, who i see three times a year so she can tell me i'm still breathing and not suicidal. except that right now i am a bit depressed while i'm working through the downslide of my employment situation, and trying to redefine my life purpose and redirect my life energy to something different. well, i wouldn't exactly say "depressed" but definitely on the precipice of either finding a new life purpose or acknowledging that it's only a matter of time until i become depressed, and without a "pillar," if you will, of life purpose, i inevitably will tumble to my death.
bipolar disorder has a scary mortality rate, especially for those of us who are extremely intelligent and can rationalize ourselves out of anything. i think of it as a chronic, lifelong illness, and do not doubt it will kill me eventually. my siblings all have chronic lifelong illnesses that will slowly eat away at us - my brother is a juvenile (i.e. insulin-dependent) diabetic, and my sister suffers from juvenile rheumatoid arthritis. yet both have told me, on many occasions, that they wouldn't trade disorders with me any day of the week. i couldn't stand to suffer through a hip and knee replacement at 28, or be completely dependent every day on insulin injections. yet, to them, the brain fuckery of bipolar disorder is scarier.
anyway, back to the epiphany... i was in the office trying to explain to the "yes, hmmm, uh-huh, uh-huh"-while-checking-her-email hmo shrink about what makes me drink too much (yes, i admit that too). and it all came together. ready?
i don't like alcohol. i love wine.
i drink waaaaaay too much wine because it's tasty and a convenient (though bouggie) way to stop myself from thinking all night when i'm home alone and bored, from reliving that same negative film reel in my head over and over again (i looked stupid in front of a coworker, i bragged about the hot tub at the porn palace to someone who knew better, i sent stupid drunken email to a long lost lover, i took a shit in the ladies' room when i thought no one was there except they were, i made myself vulnerable and someone laughed at me...). drinking helps me get that undercurrent of images and experiences under control, to get it to shut the fuck up when i am home and can't sufficiently distract myself. i express the need to figure out a way to channel that undercurrent to play positive imagery (all those math prizes i won in school... leading the line of undergraduates during commencement at mit... being so frustratingly correct that someone important threw a pencil at me in a work meeting because my little pierced and tattooed 20-something ass outwitted him... pitching no-hitters, setting swimming records, being elected to represent my peers, creating things of beauty that take others by surprise... being a good and loyal friend whether someone deserved it or not... there is so much in my life to be proud of!). because if "the undercurrent" (as i'm now calling it) plagued me with positive affirmation rather than negativity, i would probably be one of the most self-assured people on the planet. and then i think "gee, what can i do to switch that? what can i do to control those voices?"
and then i realized... wait... holy crap, THERE ARE VOICES!!!!
ok, maybe not "voices" in the schizophrenic sense of the word, but there is definitely this energy coursing through my mind (ominously christened "the undercurrent' from now on) that is like a radio channel in my brain i can't shut off. most of the time it's just background noise either berating me or unnaturally boosting me up, but it is ALWAYS there. it is an energy that makes me almost a superhero if i can harness it--it is extremely intelligent and productive when distracted from beating the fuck out of my ego--but most of the time it's bored and working against me. it's like having a hyperactive child strapped to my back. i have to figure out ways to entertain it, and channel it's energy, or it will run ragged all over me.
ever since i had this realization, i've observed this "undercurrent" as a discrete entity cohabitating in my consciousness with the rational part of me. it's brilliant and spoiled and doesn't get nearly enough consideration in my day to day life. i don't consider this second entity in my decision-making process. in fact, i try to pretend it doesn't exist. i need to learn how to become a patient momma to my undercurrent, indulge it, channel its energy into art or work or exercise or something else for it to obsess about rather than my own faults.
i'm not crazy. there is just another creature living in my brain that i haven't been aware of for 30 years. a selfish, hyperactive, brilliant child that now that i recognize its existence, i can placate it and channel it. i don't think it's sophisticated enough to realize that i'm manipulating it. i think i can, at least for the moment, distract it and channel its energy and spirit into things i want - art, professional accomplishment, exercise, etc.
rather than drinking enough wine to kill a small cat every night, in order to quiet the undercurrent.
a different way of thinking. i look forward to seeing where it leads. me and my imaginary second soul.
oh, that's a falsehood. there are many greater challenges, i just can't fathom them right now.
i rationalize my habits, i admit. i drink and smoke and jump out of airplanes looking for that next inspiration. i am pathetically chained to my couch on days the start with inspiration. i live in filth and watch it and resent it, but can't escape, can't change. i do all manner of sordid things. correct that, i put myself in positions that could inspire sordid things (even if they don't). i don't focus on a purpose, just exist and exist poorly.
i have lists, lists of ways to improve myself. i think i may know the path to bettering myself, i just can't find the motivation to do so. the purpose i had was taken from me, but it was a purpose false placed. the purpose i must grasp is one of my own making, no matter how elusive.
yet... oh, the challenges! time i have (but don't have). wrinkles that encroach, an age that keeps beating me over the head. commercials and television shows and people i meet at parties who, when i dare them to guess my age guess too high and when they dare me to ask their age i do the same... wrinkles and varicose veins and cellulite that keep creeping without mercy.
all of a sudden, the cushion is gone. as much as i hate to latch on to celebrity worship, goldie hawn has been quoted as noticing "there are only three ages for women in Hollywood - Babe, District Attorney, and Driving Miss Daisy." and over the last few years i have moved from babe into district attorney. and i have to know this now. and i have to accept it. and i have to figure out how to compensate for it. other than being slutty or eating too much ben and jerry's. really.
so... inspiration? wanna share? i'm in a bit of a motivational crisis right now. tell me what to do!
the constant reminders of my deficits and the work it would take to remedy them to my satisfaction is just exhausting. what purpose can i cling to in order to catalyze such change? what is the point of all that work if there's nothing to replace these deficits with?
where can i stand if i decide i have the strength to stop escaping?
what traits can i hold up with pride and use to build some new sense of identity?
what kind of identity can i seek that doesn't define itself by other people? it seems that most/all of the possibilities open to me right now do. love is dependent on others. as is my career. and my art. and my education, except on an institution not a specific person or people. is it possible to find a source of individual, selfish, contained personal fulfillment and purpose? or buying into someone else's religion (although, again, that's not exactly an individual pursuit)?
there are a couple things i can think of to invest in that would be independent of others:
1-create my own religion. or modifying someone else's to my liking. and convincing myself to believe in it. not that i haven't thought of it before, but it would seem deceptive-of self and of others.
2-create a new life. that would require conceiving, birthing, and then raising another human for a good couple of decades. the way the world is going now, it would be a crime to bring another soul into it. not to mention the curses my genes would carry, or the cross/joy of motherhood i'm not even ready to contemplate.
3-create art, or other products of my intellect/being, without regard for others. this would require an abandonment of the desire to receive positive critique from others, and a disassociation of these works from my own self identity once they are created and released. and it has always been difficult for me to do while still maintaining the passion and motivation to create in the first place.
and, of course, there is always the "do nothing" alternative: drink and smoke myself into oblivious or irrelevance. but what good would that be? and it is inherently unsustainable if i have any hope to live beyond another 5 years.
it sounds strange, but i had never asked myself why before. or, more specifically, why my career? my friends tell me i work harder than anyone they know. i don't think that's because of the long hours, i think it's because i am thinking of work when i'm not there, it seeps into every orifice of my life, it is the thing in my life that's most developed at the moment.
it's not a question if i'm going for that next promotion--it's inevitable. i sit still in one position long enough to have the honeymoon wear off, and then i'm done celebrating and i'm working hard to get somewhere better. i'm at the point in my career where the next step will have a fair amount of management involved. and, to date, i have not been good at managing. the problem is, most people are not worth managing. as in, whatever i ask them to do, i know i either would have done better myself, or will have to do it over myself once i get his or her work back and it's not even passable. i think that's because i assume the people i manage have my ambition. i work every day with the ambition to please my manager(s) such that i get a bonus or a raise or a promotion. i work hard to get things right, to best meet what is asked of me. but the people i've managed, the don't seem to have that ambition. they seem content with doing passable work, doing just enough to not get fired.
i've never understood this. but recently my employer hired a new supervisor in between me and my old boss. this woman was a peer i had worked with for several years, hired in two positions above me, supervising me. the adjustment of behaving toward her as a boss instead of a peer was difficult enough, but with this came the added challenge of dealing with a new formalized reporting structure and the introduction of a new layer of reporting that has restricted my ability to perform at my job the way that i have been accustomed to for the last 2 years.
at first i resisted this, i was resentful. i was doing her job for a year, i was taking initiative and responsibility yet am not (according to organizational flow charts) technically qualified to pursue the title my organization was seeking to fill. now i'm expected to run decisions through another sieve, to get formal approval for actions that would have been at my discretion for most of my tenure in my current position. my ego has been bruised, my ambition stunted. i was not even thanked for my service before, practically, being demoted.
but, after the initial humiliation that comes with such an experience, i've realized that this may be a wakeup call for me, rather than a slap in the face. all of a sudden, the burden of responsibility for my achievement has been lifted, or at least become hopelessly out of my control. rather than looking at tasks and declaring that i'll accomplish them, no matter what the cost, i instead get to show my new boss the list of tasks i was accomplishing (with overtime) and ask her which i should let slide in order to stay within 40 hours a week. i am transitioned from an achiever to a resource that will be used at the discretion of my new boss. my duty is no longer to meet a goal or deadline at any cost, it is to be as productive as possible in the time alloted to me and to be honest with my boss(es) about what i've been able to achieve and what i will be able to. and, rather than assuming i'll just work until it's finished, i now lay the pile of impossible-within-a-40-hour-week tasks on the table and ask them which i should complete, and which they should assign to other people. the slight issue that there ARE no other competent people to perform these tasks is no longer my concern. Neither is the inability of my boss's boss to meet most deadlines, or some of my coworkers' ability to accomplish the most basic tasks. All of a sudden, it's not MY job to make my boss or my boss's boss look good. Instead, I'm simply a resource to be most efficiently deployed. As long as I'm hard working (for 40 hours a week) and honest with them about what I cannot do given that time restriction (previously I was easily working 50-70 hour weeks), and honest about what I've accomplished and what I haven't been able to given the new work restrictions, my job is done. Whether overall goals are accomplished is now in their court, no longer mine. This is liberating. It's so great to work 8-9 hours, report what I've accomplished, and leave. period.
i don't know who will sink or swim under this new organizational structure, but having to cede my ambition and my hopes at a promotion, at least for a while, i've come to the realization that there's a new way of thinking about all of this. i'm a resouce--i'm not a leader (at least not yet at this current organization). i can't describe the burden that has come off my chest with this realization. i can be useful, i can be productive, but i can also be honest about what i need to accomplish, and leave that commitment at the door when i leave for the day.
and that has made me realize how many things in my "other" life i've been letting slide in my quest to rule at work. and how glad i am for this opportunity to reassess my priorities and identify the pursuits that are more important to me.
like the rest of my life.
