there is no challenge greater than the one to make yourself let go of your own habits and securities.  or insecurities?

oh, that's a falsehood.  there are many greater challenges, i just can't fathom them right now.

i rationalize my habits, i admit.  i drink and smoke and jump out of airplanes looking for that next inspiration.  i am pathetically chained to my couch on days the start with inspiration.  i live in filth and watch it and resent it, but can't escape, can't change.  i do all manner of sordid things.  correct that, i put myself in positions that could inspire sordid things (even if they don't).  i don't focus on a purpose, just exist and exist poorly.

i have lists, lists of ways to improve myself.  i think i may know the path to bettering myself, i just can't find the motivation to do so.  the purpose i had was taken from me, but it was a purpose false placed.  the purpose i must grasp is one of my own making, no matter how elusive. 

yet... oh, the challenges!  time i have (but don't have).  wrinkles that encroach, an age that keeps beating me over the head.  commercials and television shows and people i meet at parties who, when i dare them to guess my age guess too high and when they dare me to ask their age i do the same... wrinkles and varicose veins and cellulite that keep creeping without mercy.

all of a sudden, the cushion is gone.  as much as i hate to latch on to celebrity worship, goldie hawn has been quoted as noticing "there are only three ages for women in Hollywood - Babe, District Attorney, and Driving Miss Daisy."  and over the last few years i have moved from babe into district attorney.  and i have to know this now.  and i have to accept it.  and i have to figure out how to compensate for it.  other than being slutty or eating too much ben and jerry's.  really.

so... inspiration?  wanna share?  i'm in a bit of a motivational crisis right now.  tell me what to do!