i should have told you that I'm bipolar.  yes, crazy, manic-depressive, crazy, bipolar, crazy, crazy!!!!

but... also precisely and effectively medicated.  the last 2 years have been the first in my life (that i can remember) that i've had any kind of cognizance of what "normal" life is like.  i'm a highly functional looney bin, and i have been all my life.

i had an epiphany yesterday.  i was at my psychiatrist's office, who i see three times a year so she can tell me i'm still breathing and not suicidal.  except that right now i am a bit depressed while i'm working through the downslide of my employment situation, and trying to redefine my life purpose and redirect my life energy to something different.  well, i wouldn't exactly say "depressed" but definitely on the precipice of either finding a new life purpose or acknowledging that it's only a matter of time until i become depressed, and without a "pillar," if you will, of life purpose, i inevitably will tumble to my death.

bipolar disorder has a scary mortality rate, especially for those of us who are extremely intelligent and can rationalize ourselves out of anything.  i think of it as a chronic, lifelong illness, and do not doubt it will kill me eventually.  my siblings all have chronic lifelong illnesses that will slowly eat away at us - my brother is a juvenile (i.e. insulin-dependent) diabetic, and my sister suffers from juvenile rheumatoid arthritis.  yet both have told me, on many occasions, that they wouldn't trade disorders with me any day of the week.  i couldn't stand to suffer through a hip and knee replacement at 28, or be completely dependent every day on insulin injections.  yet, to them, the brain fuckery of bipolar disorder is scarier.

anyway, back to the epiphany... i was in the office trying to explain to the "yes, hmmm, uh-huh, uh-huh"-while-checking-her-email hmo shrink about what makes me drink too much (yes, i admit that too).  and it all came together.  ready?

i don't like alcohol.  i love wine.

i drink waaaaaay too much wine because it's tasty and a convenient (though bouggie) way to stop myself from thinking all night when i'm home alone and bored, from reliving that same negative film reel in my head over and over again (i looked stupid in front of a coworker, i bragged about  the hot tub at the porn palace to someone who knew better, i sent stupid drunken email to a long lost lover, i took a shit in the ladies' room when i thought no one was there except they were, i made myself vulnerable and someone laughed at me...).  drinking helps me get that undercurrent of images and experiences under control, to get it to shut the fuck up when i am home and can't sufficiently distract myself.  i express the need to figure out a way to channel that undercurrent to play positive imagery (all those math prizes i won in school... leading the line of undergraduates during commencement at mit... being so frustratingly correct that someone important threw a pencil at me in a work meeting because my little pierced and tattooed 20-something ass outwitted him... pitching no-hitters, setting swimming records, being elected to represent my peers, creating things of beauty that take others by surprise... being a good and loyal friend whether someone deserved it or not... there is so much in my life to be proud of!).  because if "the undercurrent" (as i'm now calling it) plagued me with positive affirmation rather than negativity, i would probably be one of the most self-assured people on the planet.  and then i think "gee, what can i do to switch that?  what can i do to control those voices?"

and then i realized... wait... holy crap, THERE ARE VOICES!!!!

ok, maybe not "voices" in the schizophrenic sense of the word, but there is definitely this energy coursing through my mind (ominously christened "the undercurrent' from now on) that is like a radio channel in my brain i can't shut off.  most of the time it's just background noise either berating me or unnaturally boosting me up, but it is ALWAYS there.  it is an energy that makes me almost a superhero if i can harness it--it is extremely intelligent and productive when distracted from beating the fuck out of my ego--but most of the time it's bored and working against me.  it's like having a hyperactive child strapped to my back.  i have to figure out ways to entertain it, and channel it's energy, or it will run ragged all over me.

ever since i had this realization, i've observed this "undercurrent" as a discrete entity cohabitating in my consciousness with the rational part of me.  it's brilliant and spoiled and doesn't get nearly enough consideration in my day to day life.  i don't consider this second entity in my decision-making process.  in fact, i try to pretend it doesn't exist.  i need to learn how to become a patient momma to my undercurrent, indulge it, channel its energy into art or work or exercise or something else for it to obsess about rather than my own faults.

i'm not crazy.  there is just another creature living in my brain that i haven't been aware of for 30 years.  a selfish, hyperactive, brilliant child that now that i recognize its existence, i can placate it and channel it.  i don't think it's sophisticated enough to realize that i'm manipulating it.  i think i can, at least for the moment, distract it and channel its energy and spirit into things i want - art, professional accomplishment, exercise, etc. 

rather than drinking enough wine to kill a small cat every night, in order to quiet the undercurrent.

a different way of thinking.  i look forward to seeing where it leads.  me and my imaginary second soul.