it struck me last month, as i was preparing to reenter my home life after having lived argentina life for the last 5 weeks, that my ingrained, unquestioned ambition was not "normal."

it sounds strange, but i had never asked myself why before.  or, more specifically, why my career?  my friends tell me i work harder than anyone they know.  i don't think that's because of the long hours, i think it's because i am thinking of work when i'm not there, it seeps into every orifice of my life, it is the thing in my life that's most developed at the moment.

it's not a question if i'm going for that next promotion--it's inevitable.  i sit still in one position long enough to have the honeymoon wear off, and then i'm done celebrating and i'm working hard to get somewhere better.  i'm at the point in my career where the next step will have a fair amount of management involved.  and, to date, i have not been good at managing.  the problem is, most people are not worth managing.  as in, whatever i ask them to do, i know i either would have done better myself, or will have to do it over myself once i get his or her work back and it's not even passable.  i think that's because i assume the people i manage have my ambition.  i work every day with the ambition to please my manager(s) such that i get a bonus or a raise or a promotion.  i work hard to get things right, to best meet what is asked of me.  but the people i've managed, the don't seem to have that ambition.  they seem content with doing passable work, doing just enough to not get fired.

i've never understood this.  but recently my employer hired a new supervisor in between me and my old boss.  this woman was a peer i had worked with for several years, hired in two positions above me, supervising me.  the adjustment of behaving toward her as a boss instead of a peer was difficult enough, but with this came the added challenge of dealing with a new formalized reporting structure and the introduction of a new layer of reporting that has restricted my ability to perform at my job the way that i have been accustomed to for the last 2 years.

at first i resisted this, i was resentful.  i was doing her job for a year, i was taking initiative and responsibility yet am not (according to organizational flow charts) technically qualified to pursue the title my organization was seeking to fill.  now i'm expected to run decisions through another sieve, to get formal approval for actions that would have been at my discretion for most of my tenure in my current position.  my ego has been bruised, my ambition stunted.  i was not even thanked for my service before, practically, being demoted.

but, after the initial humiliation that comes with such an experience, i've realized that this may be a wakeup call for me, rather than a slap in the face.  all of a sudden, the burden of responsibility for my achievement has been lifted, or at least become hopelessly out of my control.  rather than looking at tasks and declaring that i'll accomplish them, no matter what the cost, i instead get to show my new boss the list of tasks i was accomplishing (with overtime) and ask her which i should let slide in order to stay within 40 hours a week.  i am transitioned from an achiever to a resource that will be used at the discretion of my new boss.  my duty is no longer to meet a goal or deadline at any cost, it is to be as productive as possible in the time alloted to me and to be honest with my boss(es) about what i've been able to achieve and what i will be able to.  and, rather than assuming i'll just work until it's finished, i now lay the pile of impossible-within-a-40-hour-week tasks on the table and ask them which i should complete, and which they should assign to other people.  the slight issue that there ARE no other competent people to perform these tasks is no longer my concern.  Neither is the inability of my boss's boss to meet most deadlines, or some of my coworkers' ability to accomplish the most basic tasks.  All of a sudden, it's not MY job to make my boss or my boss's boss look good.  Instead, I'm simply a resource to be most efficiently deployed.  As long as I'm hard working (for 40 hours a week) and honest with them about what I cannot do given that time restriction (previously I was easily working 50-70 hour weeks), and honest about what I've accomplished and what I haven't been able to given the new work restrictions, my job is done.  Whether overall goals are accomplished is now in their court, no longer mine.  This is liberating.  It's so great to work 8-9 hours, report what I've accomplished, and leave.  period. 

i don't know who will sink or swim under this new organizational structure, but having to cede my ambition and my hopes at a promotion, at least for a while, i've come to the realization that there's a new way of thinking about all of this.  i'm a resouce--i'm not a leader (at least not yet at this current organization).  i can't describe the burden that has come off my chest with this realization.  i can be useful, i can be productive, but i can also be honest about what i need to accomplish, and leave that commitment at the door when i leave for the day.

and that has made me realize how many things in my "other" life i've been letting slide in my quest to rule at work.  and how glad i am for this opportunity to reassess my priorities and identify the pursuits that are more important to me. 

like the rest of my life.